This is about my recent adventure in putting together a set of outside stairs on the side of my house. This is not a how-to article, but rather, an article about what not to do.

We had a new sliding glass door put into our house a few weeks ago, but we haven’t been able to use it because the door is three feet off the ground and exits out over a flowerbed. Instead of continually walking outside and plunging into the petunias I decided to save some money and build a set of stairs myself. Things don’t always work out as you plan them.

Now, I have to say this: I’ve used stairs all my life. I know how stairs work. You walk up, you walk down. I figured they can’t be all that hard to build.

The first thing I do, of course, is go to Home Depot to see if can just buy a set of stairs and nail it to the side of my house and claim the structure as my own. In any other country this would be a ridiculous idea, but this is America and here in America we can buy just about anything. And while I am not quite able to buy a full set of stairs, I do find something called “stair stringers” which are essentially pieces of wood cut out to look like stairs. If you’re too lazy to drive to your home improvement store to pick them up or if you already have a dozen other things you’re going to order you can actually buy stair stringers from Amazon. for a little less than I did at the store.

You just attach the stringers to the house and nail on the steps and you’re pretty much done. They sound simple, they are relatively inexpensive and they are going to save me hours of work, so I buy a few. I buy all the other materials I need for my stairs and drive home, figuring this job will be done in a day.

After unloading the car I line the stairs up against the side of my house and take a few quick measurements. The stair stringers are pre-cut, so there is really little chance of me making any sort of error. I just need to use some metal brackets and screw them into the outside wall. I double-check my measurements and I dig out a small stone foundation and I measure them and cut them and drill some holes and cut some wood and I’m all sweaty and dirty and feeling very manly after getting a chance to use power tools all afternoon.

“Do you know what you’re doing?” my wife asks about two hours into the project.

I scoff at her question, “Yes, Dear… I know what I’m doing. Now why don’t you go inside and make me a sandwhich.”

She gives me a look that could kill kittens and stomps off.

But yet, as I’m building these stairs I can’t help but shake off a vague sense of unease, as though all was not right with the world.

And though I try to concentrate as much as I can, I find that my amazing Jedi Hardware Powers do not find anything wrong with my project.

I finally finish my stairs as it is getting dark. I proudly march up them and look down at my handywork.

The stairs are sturdy but…

Well…

They are kinda steep.

Okay, they are really steep.

I nearly fall over trying to go down them.

My first thought is “That damn Home Depot sold me the wrong stair stringers. These things were pre-cut wrong! All I had to do was nail them together! ” At this point my wife comes out and looks the stairs over.

Now my wife is a wonderful person but she’s about as mechanical as the Snuggles Detergent Bear. She walks around and squints at them for a a while. After looking them over she finally asks: “I don’t know… Are you sure they’re not upside down?”

I laugh and explain, “Dear, if they were upside down you wouldn’t have stairs, you’d have a ramp.”

She gives me another look of death and goes inside to poison my dinner.

I notice that she doesn’t use my new stairs, but rather walks around to the side of the house to use the other door.

I’d be hurt by this, but heck, I don’t even bother using my new stairs. They’re just too steep.

Heck, even the dog refuses to use my new stairs.

Later that night I call my father and ask for his expert opinion. My father is an engineer with a masters degree in physics. He has designed and built his own home with his bare hands (and us children as cheap labor). I explain what I did and how the stairs are too steep.

After a few minutes of thinking it over he asks: “I don’t know… Are you sure they’re not upside down?” I sigh. Everyone in my family is a comedian.

It’s late and dark and I’m tired but this is really bothering me, so I walk outside and take some measurements. I go back and check my elaborate plans. I’m not sure if it’s just the marker smearing or if Burger King napkins simply make lousy blueprints, but something doesn’t look right.

I take some more measurements. It finally strikes me.

The stairs are upside down.

Technically, not just upside down but really kind of backwards and upside down.

Okay, fine, they’re upside down.

The “rise” part of the stairs are where the “run” part should be.

So, yes, my stairs are way, way too steep.

My first thought is, “Damn, that Home Depot, they sold me upside down stairs!” but of course that isn’t really the case. Somehow I managed to buy the stair stringers, cut the stair stringers and even install the stair stringers without ever once noticing that the measurements were… well… upside down.

And what’s infinitely worse is that my wife was right.

But I’m a responsible adult and I’m mature enough to admit when I make a mistake, especially when I realize that I probably can’t rip the stairs off and put them back on the right way without my wife hearing me doing so. So I admit my wrongdoing and I apologize for being a jerk about the stairs.

I do the dishes for the next two weeks and whenever I start getting too full of myself my wife now dutifully leans over and says: “Are you sure they’re not upside down?”